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The term gaslighting has grown in popularity online and in media in recent years, but you may not know exactly what it looks like. Words like this can get thrown around so often that they start to lose their meaning.

Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulation. If you’re concerned that it might be taking place in your relationship, here are some common examples and strategies for responding to a gaslighter.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an tactic where the abuser purposefully alters your perception of reality. Gaslighters lie and manipulate their victims to make them question their memories, perceptions and understanding of events. Gaslighting can come from any kind of relationship, whether romantic, familial, professional or platonic. 

Dr. Wildaliz Caro, PhD, a medical contributor at Aura Recovery Center, says it is used to gain power or control in a relationship.

“I consider gaslighting a serious red flag because sustained confusion can weaken decision-making and create an unequal relationship in which one person gains increasing influence over the other person’s sense of reality,” Caro says.

The result of gaslighting is making victims doubt themselves and feel powerless.

“Oftentimes the other’s dominant view of reality can be so powerfully enforced that the person who is being abused doubts their own worth, opinions, and instincts,” says Dr. Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a psychologist at Soba, a treatment center with locations across New Jersey.  

A gaslighter wants you to feel like you can’t trust yourself, and you can only believe their version of events.

Gaslighting Examples

It’s important to keep in mind that not everything is gaslighting. There are two sides to every story, and disagreements are normal in any relationship. The key red flag to watch for is a pattern of common gaslighting tactics.

Anyone can fall victim to gaslighting, but it can be hard to recognize if you don’t know the signs. Here are some gaslighting examples and what really separates them from a normal argument:

1. Minimizing Concerns

A gaslighter will try to make their victim seem irrational. They will twist normal emotional responses and make it seem like the other person is insane for how they feel.

Example: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Using this phrase to minimize bad behaviour, constantly belitting your emotions and shutting down productive communication.

2. Dismissing The Severity of Their Actions

An abuser may harm you and then try to minimize their actions. Whether it’s physical or emotional abuse, the individual may try to convince you that you’re not hurt.

Example: “It wasn’t that bad. You need to toughen up.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Trying to deny your real reaction to being physically or emotionally hurt.

3. Denial of Events

Some gaslighters will outright deny something that happened. You remember it clearly, but they will deny it with conviction, which can throw you off and make you question your memories.

Example: “That never happened. I don’t remember that.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Outright telling you that you’re the one making something up.

4. Denial of Comprehension

A gaslighter will deliberately frustrate you and make you feel like your words are meaningless. They will try to avoid accountability by saying they don’t understand you even if you explain yourself multiple times.

Example: “I don’t know what you mean. You’re not making any sense.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Repeatedly making your explain yourself and acting unreasonably confused.

5. Denial of Truth

Going a step further than denying events or comprehension, a gaslighter will deny things that you know to be true. They will discredit your sources of information and try to make you distrust yourself and others. For example, they may reject something you were told by a friend or therapist.

Example: “You know that’s not true. That person is filling your head with nonsense.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Trying to cut you off from others and rejecting all outside information.

6. Shifting Blame

When something goes wrong, a gaslighter will always point to their victim. They will repeatedly do this to whittle away at the victim’s self-worth. Abusers will still shift blame even if they’re the ones obviously in the wrong. 

Caro says this can look like “insisting that [you] are too sensitive.”

Example: “This is all your fault. You knew I’d react like that.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Always putting the blame on your reaction rather than their action.

7. Justifying Actions with Love

For abusive people, love becomes a weapon and justification. They will use the term as they see fit, whether to manipulate or to absolve themselves of all fault. 

Example: “I only said that because I love you.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Using love as a justification for poor behavior.

8. Accusations of Paranoia or Insanity

Gaslighters want you to doubt your own sanity, so they will keep accusing you of “being crazy” to try and plant that seed in your mind.

Example: “You’re so paranoid it’s like you’re going crazy.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Making you doubt your mental health rather than taking accountability.

9. False Concern

“I often see abusers express false concern regarding their victim’s memory,” Caro says.

This can look like pretending to be concerned about your mental state.

Example: “That’s not how it happened. Are you okay? I’m worried you might not be thinking straight.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Shifting the focus from their bad actions to you.

10. Isolation

Abusers will try their best to keep their victims isolated and emotionally compromised. Victims can feel like they can’t escape the abuse because they have no one else left except their abuser. 

Example: “Your friends aren’t a good influence on you. They just want to break us up.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Slowly creating distance between you and everyone else in your life.

11. Using Others to Validate Statement

As part of isolating you from your support system, an abuser will try to convince you that people in your life don’t actually like you. You might withdraw from friends and loved ones, becoming suspicious of their real thoughts about you.

Example: “They all think you’re crazy, too!”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Pulling you away from loved ones and making you question everything.

12. Indignation

A gaslighter will weaponize their indignation to make victims feel like they’re bad people. The goal is to make the victim seem accusatory and irrational.

Example: “Do you really think I would do that? How could you think of me that way?”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Turning an argument on you when they are clearly in the wrong.

13. Blatant Lies

Lies are every gaslighter’s main weapon. They will lie constantly and confidently, making the victim feel like they’re losing their mind.

Example: “I wasn’t texting that other woman. I don’t even know her.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Denying things that you have evidence of.

14. Moving the Goalpost

“Another tactic is ‘moving the goalposts,’ where evidence presented in response to a claim is dismissed and increasingly more proof is demanded,” Estevez says.

A gaslighter may accuse you of things and make you prove your commitment to them, only never to be satisfied.

Example: “That’s still not enough.”

When This May Be Gaslighting: Always coming up with a new standard you have to meet.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

The best way to handle gaslighting is to shut it down. Try these recommended strategies.

End the Conversation

When someone is gaslighting you, your instinct may be to aregue and defend yourself. However, that can just lead to more toxic behavior.

“I recommend setting one clear boundary and ending the conversation if the dismissive behavior continues,” Caro advises. “You do not have to keep arguing to prove your memory or perception.”

Stay confident in your own emotions and memories, and don’t let them continue to question you.

Tell Friends and Family

Isolation only feeds gaslighting. If you feel like someone is gaslighting you, tell a friend or family member what happened. Someone who is outside of the situation can have a clearer view of it.

When you’re doubting your own thoughts, a trusted confidant can point out the red flags that you may not see.

Keep a Record of Abuse

Write down instances of gaslighting when they happen. Take screenshots and note the dates these conversations occurred.

While you may not go to court, this proof can be useful in showing that there is a pattern to this behavior. Evidence of repeated gaslighting can prove to yourself that it’s happening. Plus, you have the receipts if your abuser ever tries to deny it.

Talk to a Professional

Gaslighting can be a serious problem, especially if it escalates to become more dangerous.

“When dealing with gaslighting, I recommend shifting your focus and discussing the pattern privately with a therapist,” Estevez says. “If you think you are being abused, seek help.”

Get Out of the Situation

It’s easier said than done, but when you’ve reached your breaking point, it’s time to cut ties with your abuser. Remember, you don’t have to go through it alone.

“It is critical that you connect with someone knowledgeable about domestic violence that can help you create a safety plan specifically for you, your family, and your specific needs,” Estevez says.

Recognizing the Signs of Abuse Through

Understanding what gaslighting is can help people stand firm in their truth. Through awareness of abuse tactics, you can assert boundaries and seek help.  If you think someone is gaslighting you, trust your mind and seek support immediately.

Originally Published 12/26/23 – Updated 10/21/26