Modern Dating Is So Hard — Here Are the Hard Lessons I Learned (And How to Get Out of the Dating Rut ASAP)

Raise your hand if you feel like you’re falling behind your friends (awkwardly raises mine). I don’t know about you, but this era’s dating landscape is downright terrible. With the constant swiping, messages left seen, failed talking stages, awkward first dates and ghosting, it starts feeling impossible to find the right one. If you’re wondering why dating is so hard nowadays, here’s what I learned after years of swiping, after-work first dates and overthinking what’s wrong with my strategies (or me, tbh).

Social Media Has Ruined Modern Dating

What was supposed to make our lives easier is causing us frustration. Dating apps like Bumble, Tinder and Hinge make people feel like they have many choices, making it easy to meet potential partners. 

However, too many options can lead to a paradox of choice. It makes you believe that the perfect partner is just one swipe away. The dating scene is now a reflection of capitalism — people now have a choice whether or not to date and who to date, which cultivates yet another annoying trait, as discussed in the next section.

The “You Don’t Owe Them Anything” Mindset Sucks

Why should I say proper goodbyes if I don’t want to talk to them anymore? I don’t owe them anything. I am disinterested and have found someone more fun to chat with. There’s no point in telling them, so I’ll just block them on social media — I don’t owe them anything.

Relatable? I get it, we’ve all been tired, and we’ve all felt like we’ve given too much and got nothing in return.

But why is dating so hard nowadays? It’s because people lack basic respect and consideration. Dating — at its core — must be about building connections and sharing pieces of yourself to see if there’s a spark. This “I don’t owe you anything mindset” creates a transactional view of dating. Plus, it makes you look like a jerk. 

Many People Are Scared of Commitment

Our generation says it’s cool to focus on exploration. You’re oh-so-in when you’re “spontaneous” and “open to trying new things,” and people shudder at the idea of commitment. When you’re the type of person who dates to marry or loves something intensely — in ways that most people won’t understand — dating can feel like stepping into a minefield, so you tread lightly, hoping that you won’t “scare off” others.

The Rise of Hookup Culture

What makes dating so hard nowadays is the prevalence of hookup culture. I have nothing against it, but it’s increasingly becoming more challenging to find people seeking long-term relationships. I met this guy and thought he was the one, but it was not until he spilled his dating intentions. You don’t tell a person you just want to get into their pants after three months of dating. Just. Don’t. 

People Conceal Their Feelings

Here’s the truth — many people enter the dating scene with some sort of emotional baggage from their previous relationships. Maybe your date is still not over their three-year relationship, that’s why he’s breadcrumbing on you. You’re starting to like this person, but deep down, you’re confused about how they really feel about you, no matter how much they spend time with you.

“Meet-Cutes” Aren’t a Thing Anymore

ICYMI, meet-cutes are the kind you see in romcoms — that “There’s only one copy of a book in the bookstore, and they grabbed it at the same time. They smiled at each other” type of encounters. I think we need more natural places to meet people (or people just really need to let go of fear of rejection). I don’t think you can find the love of your life in the produce section of a supermarket anymore.

6 Ways to Make Dating More Fun Than Usual

There are many reasons why dating is so hard nowadays, but there are ways to make it more fun and bearable. 

1. Reframe Rejection

Rejection is and will never feel good, but if you’re getting discouraged to the point that it’s affecting your self-confidence, you need to do something about it. According to Dr. Kelsey Zimmermann, a rejection isn’t a reflection of you or your worth.

“There are many instances where it’s not about you as a person. It’s about simply not being the right fit for a friendship, a relationship or a job,” she shared.

2. Know What You Want

Do you want a long-term relationship, casual dating or friendship? Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having a preference. What’s bad is that you don’t communicate it with other people.

3. Take it Slow, But Not Too Slow

Don’t expect your dating apps to do the magic for you. Put on some effort, and if you want to get to know someone, get into a face-to-face conversation and share time. Don’t wait for five months to pass by before asking them out because it may be too late. You may just lose the chance of spending time with someone who could’ve been a great partner.

4. Do a Chemistry Check

If you’re mainly using dating apps to meet people, consider going on a video or audio call before your first in-person meeting. I tried it with almost every guy I matched with, and it helped me save time and effort when dealing with strangers. Introduce yourself, ask some questions and set a date — or not.

5. Don’t Force a Spark

Say you met someone and it’s going pretty well. You’ve been dating for months, you’re texting nonstop and all signs are telling you this could be it. Then, your gut starts telling you: “Do I really like this person or do I like the idea of having someone constant?” If it’s the latter, then maybe it’s better to sit down and reevaluate your emotions.

6. Never Ever Settle

My biggest takeaway from my experience would be not to settle. It’s easy to stay with an OK person because your family is pressuring you to settle or you’re the last single person in your friend group. But trust me, the right person for you is out there. You deserve to feel butterflies and be treated the way you deserve to.

Start Dating With Regained Confidence 

Sure, dating is hard nowadays, but swiping, dating and talking to people led me to these life lessons I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere else. Sprinkling fairy dust wherever your dating journey takes you! I know it’s going to be easier this time.