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Before finding a forever someone, people will often have standards about what a future partner should be like. A common misconception is that those thoughts go away once you finally find a person you want to settle down with. The truth is that they just shift into relationship expectations that can either improve or tear down your connection with one another. 

What Relationship Expectations Look Like 

Relationship expectations go beyond whether your love of life shares your values and beliefs. It can actually involve several dynamics between you and your partner.

• Behavior: Do you want your partner to continue being romantic toward you? Do you want them to contribute more when planning dates?
• Communication: Do you expect to talk every day and get frequent updates? Do you prefer to just check in every once in a while about what’s going on in your life?
• Roles: Who’s in charge of house chores when you both live together? Who’s paying for outings and vacations in the long run?
• Priorities: Do you expect to have a pet or a child together someday? Do you have work that takes precedence over relationship goals?

The Impact of Relationship Expectations

Relationship expectations, when left unchecked and uncommunicated, kind of just stay in the background. They end up affecting several aspects of how you love and fight with your partner. 

On How You Love

You and your partner have expectations for one another throughout your relationship that can affect how you showcase love. For example, one person might enjoy gift-giving because they believe it’s the primary way they show their love. 

Love can look like making your partner coffee in the morning, because you know that they’d like a hot cup of joe before heading to work. It can also look like cuddling in bed with pillow talk conversations because you know that it makes them feel connected with you. 

On How You Fight

In an argument, you make your case about what you’re feeling frustrated about. The other person will discuss their own case about it. These are often impacted by relationship expectations about seeing eye-to-eye on everything.

You start to build relationship expectations based on this friction, too, like who is supposed to back down and adjust after the matter. And when these expectations don’t align, you start to feel disappointment and frustration. 

On How You Grow

Beyond how you love and fight, relationship expectations can also affect you and your partner’s growth throughout life. Being together should mean working together to reach those milestones. For example, 30% of Americans think they should buy a home after two to three years together, but 18% would disagree and say it should be four years or more. 

One person in the relationship might expect a longer timeline to reach an objective, which can leave them feeling like their progression throughout life is stagnant. It’s an imperative reason why you need to get on the same page as your partner.

What Affects Expectations in a Marriage?

Getting into a marriage, relationship expectations can still increase and change. Personal experiences, whether your own or what you’ve witnessed in other people’s relationships, are often a catalyst for what these expectations could look like. 

Societal norms and cultural backgrounds can also influence relationship expectations. One manifestation of both of these is gender roles, which reinforce that men are providers while women are homemakers. 

Building Realistic Marriage Expectations 

Understanding marriage expectations can feel daunting, especially in the beginning. In fact, the first year of marriage is viewed as the hardest by many people since it’s the adjustment period. Follow these tips to ensure relational satisfaction. 

1. Treat Each Other with Respect

Each person is entitled to their own marriage expectations in the relationship, and it may be unfair to put them down just because there’s a slight mismatch in the beginning. Remember that you are talking to your partner, the person that you’ve wanted to spend the rest of your life with. They are their own person, and you should remember to respect them in the process. 

2. Set the Non-Negotiables

Understand the foundations of your expectations with one another, the ones that you certainly need for the marriage to thrive. Unconditional love should be at the top of the list, considering that you’ve sworn vows that say “In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.” You also want to feel supported by your partner.

3. Have the Uncomfortable Conversations

Carving out realistic expectations can only start with the uncomfortable conversation about topics you may disagree with. Whether it’s intimacy, household responsibilities, or even financial management, you need to know where the other person stands. If you’re on the same page, good. If you’re not, it’s time to work out a compromise. 

4. Communicate and Listen to Each Other

Communicate, don’t argue. Fighting can make you feel passionate and powerful, but it creates an environment that feels unhealthy and unsafe. It may even make you forget about what you’re trying to heal. Actually, try to talk and listen to each other. 

And remember to avoid questioning the nature of your relationship and your partner. It’s not you versus them—it’s you and them versus the problem. 

5. Appreciate the Little Changes

Say you’ve communicated an expectation where you hoped that they’d participate in preparing dinner once in a while at the end of both your workdays. Your partner can take small steps toward this, like proposing a dinner idea or even ordering takeout. While it’s not perfect, they are making an effort. Remember to show a little gratitude. 

6. Revisit Every Once in A While

Revisit some past points of contention to explore the progress behind them. For example, with dinner preparation, you may want them to step up more with actually making the home-cooked meals. Recognize their change and gently suggest further steps that can get you both on the same page.

7. Avoid Comparing Your Marriage with Others’ Relationships

Comparison is the thief of joy, and it can also be a silent killer of relationships if you aren’t careful. Every couple’s journey is different, and the set-ups and expectations in it work because of the two people in it. Just because it worked for them doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. And that’s okay—you just need to find your own paths. 

Manage Relationship Expectations

Relationship expectations truly shape the way people love and fight with one another. However, it’s essential to get on the same page about these views to have healthy discourse and growth together. Navigate these expectations and there should be nothing you can’t handle.